Daddy Lessons

We’ve been talking about how our parents’ parenting styles can play apart in our adult attachment styles. A real life example always helps me. So I’ll give you one of my own. My “daddy lessons”.

My father was not absent. I can’t remember ever living with him, because my sister and I were young when he and my mom separated. But he was very much around, he picked us up on weekends and I could get in contact with him if I needed to.

My father wasn’t absent...he was more absent-minded, I would say. Years later I realize I always got the sense that he was distracted by something; maybe a dream he wanted to achieve or something he never got from his own parent(s)—my grandparents. Either way, the shit was devastating and mind-boggling for me as a child.

My 10th birthday is one I know that helped to shape my outlook and expectations of others. I played the memory over and over for the longest time, because I couldn’t figure out what didn’t sit right with me about it.

My dad told me he’d pick me up after school, to take me for a birthday meal. I was not hard to please and super excited. I remember getting home and literally calling him every 10 minutes after the time passed for him to arrive. He picked up the phone every time and reassured me that he’d be there. And he did, hours later.

I was still ready to go, but everything in my body was telling me it was about to go left. My dad came in with my uncle and took me into the kitchen and sat me on the counter, told me he couldn’t take me anywhere that day. I immediately started crying. That’s when my dad began to tell TEN YEAR OLD ME about the responsibilities and bills he has, and that he’ll take me out next week (or something, I was probably hysterical at this point).

My uncle, seeing how upset I was, told my dad he should try to take me somewhere. My dad insisted he couldn’t again. Eventually, they put me out of my misery and left. I don’t remember the rest of that day….

And we did go out a week later. To Burger King. The one around the corner from my house. This is the part that I said I couldn’t figure out what felt off about it, until years later. I couldn’t put my finger on why I still felt so wronged even though he did take me out, but then one day it clicked!

He made me wait for hours, pretending the whole way, to show up with a lame excuse and make me feel responsible for empathizing with him about adult situations, only to take me to a fast food joint—in the 90’s—where I ordered a damn KID’s MEAL! You made me wait a couple hours and week for that, you ruined my birthday for that? There was absolutely no one you could borrow $5 from? Not even my uncle Charles who was with you? On my birthday? And now I’m supposed to sit here and be pleased with this afterthought that no longer feels special?

My father WAS present—but inattentive, minimizing and dismissive. But what kid can really put words to that. This was a turning point for me. It was a moment I turned inward; why should I look to or lean on others when they will just let you down and probably play in your face about it?

For a long time, I coped in the form of ultra-independence. Not like, “I don’t need a man’s money”, but more like “I’m going to work 3 jobs to make sure I can take care of myself... and my mom... and my sisters if they need it.” From the time I was able to work, that’s what I did. When I was in high school, I went straight from marching band practice to work. I paid all my own senior fees and marching band fees. I had 2 jobs towards the end of undergrad; and as soon as I graduated, I stepped that up to 3. (I’m ashamed to say that I have worked 3 jobs at a time, more than once, smh).

In the end, none of that worked out for me. I’d be irritable and unhappy or my body would literally shut down on me. I had to learn from those consequences, improve my expectations and put boundaries in place for myself. I shouldn’t have to work a thousand hours to make a livable wage; AND I can allow myself to let others help me when they offer it.

Only after I connected the consequences of how I had chosen to respond all these years to what I had learned from situations like that with my father, and made conscientious decisions to move differently, was I really able to see the major impact it had on me and my well-being.

#relaxrelaterelease #daddylessons #daddyissues #mft #marriageandfamilytherapy #familytherapy #attachmentstyles #parentingstyles #copingskills #therapy #blacktherapist #floridatherapist #miamitherapist